i sing the body electric

·         The Russians sent troops to Syria to help Assad kill his own people more efficiently. He needed expert guidance from a practiced hand, I guess. Who better than the Russians to train a regime on how to wipe out their own?

·         This just in from the GOP Primary – Ron Paul has selected Sarah Palin as his running mate in an effort to boost his numbers. Meanwhile, Rick Santorum has declared sex illegal as part of his plan to ban porn.

·         Mitt Romney refuses to show his birth certificate, saying, and I quote, “I’m not an alien.” On that note, he chose Michelle Bachman as his running mate, despite her continued refusal to blink and prove she’s human.

·         Michael Bay has taken ‘Mutant’ out of ‘Teenage Ninja Turtles’ in an effort to further destroy of my childhood. I expect he’ll casually rape Voltron on top of the Hollywood sign next.

·         Peyton Manning is putting the band back together in Denver, while Tim Tebow is, well, who cares. I think I’m going to Tebow for Manning. At Focus on the Family’s HQ. With a Manning jersey – I’m as giddy as a school girl.

·         Subaru will soon launch the BRZ, a rear-wheel drive coupe with good looks and a light chassis designed in conjunction with Toyota. It’s the weirdest experiment since the classic Subaru XT, which was available in either front-wheel or AWD and looked like an arrow. I’m left wondering why – as in, why does it have only 2.0L 4-cylinder with 200hp – and WHY REAR WHEEL DRIVE? Why only a natural boxer 4? Why not a Turbo 3.6L boxer 6-cylinder STI-tuned power plant designed to butcher a Nissan 370Z? Ugh. 17” wheels only at 215/45? Pfft. Balls.

·         I think I’ve been watching too much Top Gear. I’m starting to talk like Jeremy Clarkson, saying things at work like “Power” when I walk around corners at a too quick pace for no apparent reason.

·         Soon, my home will be taken over by baby things. Baby girl things. Doomed. Completely doomed. This assumes, of course, that the annual Spring winds don’t destroy my home first.

·         This baby thing is good, and well-timed; it’ll distract me from the abject mess that Skyrim has become on my PS3. I’ve seen whales hump more smoothly and at greater velocity than this joke of lowered expectations. It was supposed to be a masterpiece, but it’s virtually unplayable the further into it you go. Really sad, and cripplingly frustrating. I cannot wait for the new GTA to arrive.  Bah!   

The Republican blitzkrieg on women is horrifying – it’s like witnessing a march straight back to the Dark Ages. First, it was mandatory internal ultrasounds and shaming for women considering abortions – more commonly known as RAPE. Then it was an attack on women seeking coverage for contraception from insurance carriers (which is surprisingly not standard). Now it’s devolved into an all out assault on personal morality – not only did Rush Limbaugh call Susan Fluke a slut who should have to pay for contraception by making pay-per-view sex tapes (when Limbaugh, as Rachel Maddow points out, doesn’t understand contraception), but now the latest “personhood” amendments are popping back up in even crazier extremes. Today, the City Council of Wilmington, DE, voted 8-4 in favor of saying personhood extends to an egg and sperm, the latter only to be allowed to be “utilized” in the specific cause of generating life in a woman’s vagina!

So what happens if an egg goes unfertilized? What happens if a man masturbates – will he be arrested? What if a man is shooting blanks? Should he be castrated? And if a woman cannot produce eggs – should we get her to the nunnery or sell her for Soylent Green production? What of all those other sperm which don’t break the egg’s membrane in the race to fertilize – are they not victims, left behind to die?

I don’t even know what to say except fuck it, I guess I’ll have to curtail that trip to exciting Delaware. By their estimates, I’m a mass murderer the likes of which not even God has seen. I mean, I’ve destroyed entire populations, whole galaxies – entire cultures, all in a series of master strokes! One step into Wilmington, and now I’ll be off to The Hague, or some Conservative version somewhere deep in South Carolina. They’ll say I put Stalin, Mao and Hitler multipled by 10 to shame. Can you imagine that trial’s verdict?

“You, Operative X, are before this court because of crimes against humanity. You have been found guilty! So many sperm wantonly wasted. Have you no remorse? You are an evil of the lowest order and shall be executed by having to watch the 2012 GOP Debates on repeat until your life ceases! NO YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO MASTURBATE WHENEVER A REPUBLICAN LIES, there would be wasted sperm everyehere, you evil bastard! Yes, yes, we know that by killing you that we are destroying a factory of procreation, but we are Pro-Life and Pro-Death penalty, so this makes sense to us. But think of all the lives we’ll have saved from ever being produced by you, for you to only send to their untimely deaths.”

Of course, my misogynist defense, based entirely on self-preservation, would have me beg for forgiveness and attempt to undue my transgressions.

“Let no sperm go to waste! I too disdain every bone in a woman’s body except for my own! For yes, I have seen the light, repented my ways, and have accepted that I am a factory of life! Sentence me to procreation! Bring me women, truckloads of the attractive and semi-attractive ones for me to satiate my legal and moral duty! So what if our planet is vastly overpopulated, for I cannot simply stop ejaculating, as you know this would be against the will of nature itself and GOD’s – GOD’S! - Absolute Law! Let lesser men take vows of celibacy, for I will prove my fortitude and sew my loins into the lineage of a million decedents as a modern Adam for a New Inbred Age - it will be called New West Virginia! To hell with geneticists and the problems with common ancestor theory and the ultimate genetic mutations which will be triggered by my host of legion children who must follow in my stead! FOR I AM ORDAINED TO BE PRODIGIOUS, MEIN FUHRER!!!!”

(Whoa, sorry about that, went all Dr. Strangelove for a moment).  

For we must remember what Monty Python taught us…”Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great…If a sperm is wasted…God gets quite irate.” And here I was thinking Republicans wanted a small government which would keep out of our lives.

Bunch of jerk offs.

-          A new study by NYU shows that employers have bias against promoting people whose names they can’t easily pronounce, which shows how pervasive discrimination (and sometimes flat out racism) is in the work force. I’ve seen several scenarios play out in my career – on one side, a manager doesn’t want to hire someone whose name sounds foreign; or, conversely, wants to hire a minority candidate on the basis it’ll help diversity reporting. Both of these are horrendously misguided – one is straight racial bias, the other a misinterpretation of AAP and OFCCP guidelines.

-          Sad: a predominantly white Pittsburgh-area high school hosted a basketball game against a rival and mostly black high school, and three white kids from the host school dressed up as bananas and stormed the court while making sounds like monkeys and then yelling racial slurs at the opposing team. Solid parenting there.

-          Happy to see Prop 8 overturned by the District Appeals Court. I wonder if the Supreme Court will hear an appeal. If so, considering the conservatives outrank the progressives 5-4, do you really think the lower court’s decision won’t be reversed? Will they try to mitigate the backlash by upholding the Same Sex Marriage Ban in pushing marriage as a state issue based on some anachronistic case law logic dating back to the 19^th Century? And if they do split along ideological lines (as they’re prone to do), wouldn’t this decision be the kind of judicial social engineering which Conservatives hate, Ted Olson?

-          In the meantime, the great state of Washington just legalized Same Sex Marriage. T-minus 30 days until some Conservative dickhead files suit.

-          I remember in 2008 when Limbaugh was going all batshitty nuts about “Operation Chaos”, where he asked conservatives to magically help prolong the Obama/Clinton primary battle on the premise it would hurt the Democrats in the general election. Now that Rick Santorum just swept Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri to halt Mitt Romney’s ascendance – with no help from the Left, what does that say about the GOP’s chances in 2012? Also, Newty and Lil’ Ronnie Paul picked up decent chunks of votes themselves. A few weeks ago I wrote that the GOP would brainlessly rally around Romney as the inevitable choice, and then revise history by pretending they’ve always been unified in supporting him. I still think Romney gets the nod, but as Tuesday night showed, this is a wonderfully fractured and aimless party.

-          Speaking of the 2012 GOP Primary train wreck, I enjoyed seeing that a lot less voters showed up this year as compared to the 2008 GOP Primaries. According to CNN in 2008, 70k showed up in the Colorado GOP Primaries versus only 65k this year. 232k showed up in Missouri, less than half of 2008’s turnout. And only 47k showed up in Minnesota versus 63k in 2008. In the 2008 general election, all 3 states were for Obama, with Colorado and Missouri considered key wins. On the other hand, 4k more people voted in Iowa and New Hampshire’s primaries this year, but that was still lower than expectations as the Democrats weren’t exactly pitching a large tent this time around. Big Red South Carolina was way up, with 150k more people showing up to the 2012 GOP primary, but the Republicans could trot out Satan as a candidate and still win South Carolina, so long as Satan didn’t show up as a black man. But how about the nation’s 4^th most populated state, Florida? In 2008, 2M voted in the GOP primary – this year, only 1.6M did. Nevada dropped from 44.3k in 2008 to not quite 33k in 2012, despite an expected turnout of 70k.

-          A PEW Research poll shows that nearly 33% of the 18-34 age demographic rate their job prospects and financial situation as “good.” 41% of poll respondents said those in their 20s and early-to-mid 30s have been hit hardest (29% said people over 65). Those in their early 20s have the lowest total employment and are earning 6% less than they did in 2007. On the political note, this age group voted for Obama nearly 2-1 in 2008; will they show this kind of support this year? I hope so. One area I’ve been critical of Obama in retrospect was his focus on Health Care first, followed by chasing the Economy. He should’ve used his honeymoon period to push through government grants as part of the Stimulus to spend on Infrastructure and Innovation, and push harder on higher taxes for the wealthy and on firms sending jobs overseas. Instead, he pushed these after the GOP had entrenched themselves with the 2010 mid-term victories and has gotten nowhere. I hope young voters understand who it was that stonewalled him.

Also, employers are hiring experienced candidates at lesser salaries as compared to hiring entry-level candidates who take more time to ramp up. Boomers are staying longer as they’re uncertain of their own retirement, and have had to support their kids longer in addition to their aging parents. As Gen X approaches their turn at middle age and the management wheel, they’re finding it harder to usurp senior managers who keep hanging on. This has led to a leadership and skill gap, especially as companies cut back on bench spending for training or R&D. It’s even harder to get ahead in the rat race these days than ever, and feels like a kick in the teeth considering companies continue to show record profits on the back of record employee productivity. Yet employees still aren’t seeing the rewards. Raises, profit sharing, 401k matches, bonuses, PTO, and employer-sponsored health plans continue to diminish in quality and availability; these once commonplace benefits of the Average Joe are now considered “perks” as employers cut costs. Pensions are nearly nonexistent. And as for those “job creators” at the top - they’re not going anywhere – why retire, or hire, when you have it so good?

-          Teen Pregnancy and Abortion rates are at new lows, which is great – contraception usage is way up, as it should be, despite Conservatives’ attempts to stop sex education at every turn. News flash – people, including teens, are still having sex regardless of how you feel about it. Stop being ashamed about sex and your body, stop tagging religious baggage to the morality of sex, and start realizing sex is more than an excuse to procreate. News flash – using contraception properly and responsibly reduces unwanted pregnancy. It’s 2012 and we are still saying this as if it’s some esoteric concept from beyond outer space because Jesus was celibate. So wake up and go get laid, Conservatives, you need it. Practice and you might get good at it, and then find out it’s the most fun anything ever. But please, use a condom – we don’t need more of you around.

Audi Vampire Commercial:  Using Echo & the Bunnymen’s “Killing Time” was pure funny. But I’m closet Cookoo for Audi’s Coco-Puffs, so maybe it’s just my bias.

M&M’s, Just my Shell: Cute, in a Bob Hope humor-type way. 400 times from now, which is how many times it’ll be aired in the next 25 minutes or so, it will have lost its minimal luster.

Pepsi #1, Elton John: Only the Flavor Flav ending saved this, and just slightly. Was that really a contemporary (crap) mix of Aretha Franklin/Otis Redding’s “Respect?” Pepsi Marketing Employees – since corporations are people – start flogging yourselves in penance.

Chevy 2012: Nice shot at Ford here; survive the apocalypse with Twinkies, and a Chevy. I used to hate Ford – they were total pieces of shit for a long time (and their truck commercials with the wannabe Dennis Leary still suck) – but they’ve improved the quality and appeal of their product these last few years, so it’s nice to see Chevy come out swinging.

Coca Cola Bears, #1: Played out in a bottle. I think Coca Cola would be better off showing footage of its marketing execs being thrown to actual, starving Polar Bears.

Best Buy Innovators: None of those people work for Best Buy, so…? How is Best Buy innovating, exactly? By pre-Loading a bunch of shit onto their products, or trying to up-sell warranties?

Celebrity Apprentice: NBC masturbating is gross…and all over my TV, yuck. I can’t believe people actually give a shit about this.

The Dictator, trailer: Looks funny, can’t wait – then again, waiting for Borat and Bruno didn’t hurt. Sasha Cohen best bring it.

VW – the Dog, back in shape to chase cars: Only funny because of the Star Wars ending. The Beetle – it’s still best to buy two so you can drive one while the other is in the shop!

Chrysler, Halftime in America (Clint Eastwood): Yes, pandering for sales in aligning Chrysler and Detroit with America and the idea of a united comeback, but the message was good and when Clint Eastwood speaks, I listen, dammit. He’s like the anti-Charlton Heston to me. And since Karl Rove came out and said this commercial was promoting a pro-Obama agenda in some kind of backhanded way as Chrysler was bailed out, I like it all the more today. Fuck you with a piece of broken salty glass, Karl Rove.

Doritos, murdering dog: Funny, but I would’ve asked for more than 2 bags of regular Doritos to cover up the cat’s murder, and for different flavors - Salsa Verde or classic Cool Ranch, perhaps? Maybe this is why I still have that 20 pounds to lose.

The Voice, Vocal Combat: Meh, kind of funny, I like Cee Lo and Betty White, but don’t care even remotely for more of NBC’s jerking off right in front of me on my TV.

The Avengers Trailer: Would be better if Samuel L. Jackson played Jules Winnfield while playing Nick Fury. This also reminded me that I still need to watch Thor, Captain America, and Iron Man 2 (I’m a bad nerd). I wonder how many Marvel characters Chris Evans will play.

Doritos, Sling Baby: Derp. Would’ve been better if Billy Joe Bob Thornton was in it for a Sling Blade reference, I reckon. Derp.

H&M Body Wear, David Beckham: Good music, ruined. Sure the ladies love Beckham, and it was a man in underwear versus a woman in a commercial for a change. Reminded me I need to lose 20 pounds – damn vanity.

Teleflora: Buy a girl flowers, and she will put out on Valentine’s Night. Not specified – do I need to buy 1 or 2 dozen roses, and does each level of rose purchase come with a perk? Solid message for women’s self esteem.

Fiat: Sexy girl-as-personified-car seducing nerd, sure, but I guess my vehicle fantasies are more top shelf. A Fiat seems like the cheap porno mag I’d use in the now while I saved up for that dream Porsche GT3 or Audi R8.

Acura, NSX: Jerry Seinfeld, the Soup Nazi, Jay Leno’s chin…I think I’d take the Manhattan Zip Line over the NSX, though. The last NSX was, well, yawn, so good for Honda to push something other than the Acura TL, RL, and TSX for a change.

Toyota Camry, improvement of society: It’s still a Camry, so let’s put an end to even the satiric back slapping. This car doesn’t even make my nipples hard. Nothing says surrender like a new Camry, unless it’s a Toyota Sienna.

NFL.Com, Evolution: Look at us, we’ve added helmets and High Def since the early days of football, we must be advancing as a game and therefore as a civilization! Look, our players are juiced up more than ever, too!

Century 21, we’re Fast and Super Talented – with played out celebrities to boot: Cool, you can sell my house quickly in today’s market…still at 75% of what I bought it for in 2004. Thanks – can’t wait! Glad to see Apollo Ohno got a job after Subway.

 Coca Cola, #2: Bored, bored, bored…Animated Polar Bears – I wish I had this kind of money to waste on a Super Bowl commercial.

Dannon, John Stamos: Anyone who head butts Stamos is A-Okay in my book; nice twist to the playful food flirt genre (yes, there’s actually a genre for that).

Pepsi Max, Regis: I’m glad Beth Littleford got a job. Bored, bored, bored…Regis is still alive?

MetLife, cartoon summit: I liked the throwback to cartoons of my youth and the message you need not be rich to plan a future where you’re not working until age dead. That was a nice sentiment from a commercial slot which cost $2M. And it’s still bullshit – our generation won’t be able to retire.

Kia Optima, Drive the Dream: I hate Kia, but this commercial had unicorns and Motley Crue.

Honda, Matthew Broderick’s Day Off: The Ferris slight reprise, funny enough, but all for a CRV? Really?

Bud Light, Rescue Dog: Nice message at the end, but still doesn’t even nick the palpable hate I harbor for all beer commercials. Also- how many dogs can we put into commercials? I thought the Puppy Bowl was on another channel?

CareerBuilder, Co-Worker Monkeys: A message which resonates in a crappy economy where job prospects are sparse…does anyone remember Monster? Yeah, me neither.

Go Daddy: They’re still in business? How long until Danica washes out of NASCAR and finally gives in to The Hef’s Dark Side, Center Fold-Style? Go Daddy supported SOPA, so don’t go re-blog any of their bullshit “unrated content” or their lawyers will attack.

SAMSUNG, Galaxy Note: 100% Pure Liquid Awesome. The Darkness? Outstanding. Brian Urlacher? Um, sure – guess he’s happy he got to make a Super Bowl appearance in some capacity.

Cadillac ATS: A nearly affordable Caddy with AWD, a V6-stick and 318 hp. How many years will it take to establish credibility, or is it another crappy Caddy that zigs? Will it survive long enough to become an ATS-V to become the little brother of the completely badass CTS-V? I am intrigued – well done, GM.  

Forbes put out its most recent list of business phrases which annoy people.  I enjoyed the read as I hear these almost daily. Here’s my take on these, without all that pesky AP Style Guide “appropriate content” crap.

Core Competency:

It’s only our top service or product, whoop de shit – we actually can do this with our eyes closed. I also believe scratching my ass when it itches is a core competence. This phrase sounds like the best thing you do is “meh.” Competency should be inherent.

Buy-In:

 I crave your buy-in to validate my half-cocked idea because I’m insecure and/or need a scapegoat. Back me up, won’t you? How about – what do you think, versus, I don’t care what you think so long as you agree.

SWAT Team:

Can we do this thing based on what we’ve done in order to use what we’ve done to overcome any shortfall on what we may do? When I hear SWAT, I think of an episode of COPS going horribly awesome – my instincts make me line up drinks for each of the plethoric amount of shirtless rednecks I’ll be counting. SWAT means going to a meeting you can’t escape to discuss what you already know.

Empower:

Someone being “empowered” is either A) restrained, B) at the bottom, or C) not competent. If the work is important and affords you a chance to display your badassery, then show them Who’s the Boss like Tony Danza! Mostly it means, “I’m shoveling this pile of crap from my desk to yours – sink or swim, sucker!”

Open the Kimono:

Full disclosure, eh? I don’t need to see your balls as part of this deal. This isn’t Hantai. Please keep the Kimono closed and I won’t ask where you buried the Geishas from your last trip to Tokyo.

 Bleeding Edge:

Cutting edge is for pussies. This shit is so new it’s not even a concept yet. We haven’t even talked about a pre-commitment to profiling focus groups for naming a process to come up with an idea for the concept. That’s how far ahead we are – by being behind. The bleeding comes from where I punched my face after reading this.

Lots of Moving Parts:

Because we don’t have our shit together – but yours should be, just in case we suddenly need it.

Corporate Values:

Verb: To profit, legally, or without being caught otherwise. What else do we really value? We value things that make us rich. I hear this from defensive evil managers who need to convince you their evil is justified by policy, and how Soylent Green isn’t really people (it is).

Make Hay:

Make money, fast, before time runs out! Act now! We’ll throw in a toaster, and our mother, possibly our soul if you’ll ONLY ACT NOW! Usually translates to take the money and run. I don’t think anyone’s said this since 1996.

Scalable:

We can make this bigger if we get excited enough. If not, then smaller, more flaccid. We fit to scale.

Best Practice:

We’ve done this enough times to know doing it your way sucks. We’ve tried to make a practice out of not sucking, and say this to make it sound like we know what we’re doing but in a more pithy way.

Think Outside the Box:

Even though the Box is big, we still can’t figure it out. So now we have to “get creative” and go out of bounds, meaning whatever we come up with probably won’t fit in the original packaging. Respect the box. Respect its boundaries. Even trim it up every now and then – upkeep is important for the box.

Solution:

A problem solved in an expensive, complex, time consuming manner that will likely involve well-compensated consultants who will come back for an even higher price when it breaks. The best solutions providers can actually introduce a problem you never knew you could have.

Leverage:This means to take the balls and squeeze. How much will you pay to have your balls back? This is usually used by people who planned better than the other guy. If you have it, it’s awesome. If the leverage in question is against you, well, beg them to be gentle.Vertical:

A product geared to a market segment which sounds like yet another sexual innuendo and like you’ve watched Top Gun one too many times. It’s also a horribly broad descriptor which makes it seem like you try to fit clients into a tidy stereotype with a one-size-fits-all approach.

Over the Wall:

Let’s let some else worry about and/or clean up our shit, or send our shit elsewhere and just see what happens! Throw it over the wall, what the hell, why not! Now it’s THEIR problem, HA! What if they throw it back? Well, shit.

Robust:

Our service is complete, huge, magnificent, complex, and tastes great – it will make your life whole and cause you to regret that husk of an existence you lived prior to our intervention! Robust is often used in conjunction with Solution, usually for the purpose of not saying anything while saying something.

Learnings:

What Jesus taught us in the Deep South? North of the Mason-Dixie line people call this “takeaways,” or “lessons learned,” which are summations of how to do something better the next time. “Learnings” is just a lazier way of saying something which doesn’t take long to say anyway. Boy, we are lazy.

Boil the Ocean:

A sign of the apocalypse, or in company talk, wasting time doing something pointless. I’m not sure anyone actually says this, and if they did I’d probably try it as it seems like a less mundane pursuit than being in an office and would get me out into the nice sunlight.

Reach Out:

To contact someone, usually without actually ever touching them – which is smart as touching may be awkward or invasive and easily misconstrued. As a kid, I remember an episode of GI Joe where Cobra Commander used a play on AT&T’s famous 80s slogan by saying “Reach out and CRUSH someone.” I liked that more. Don’t reach out to me – just call. Or Sext.

Punt:

To punt is to let something go, at least for now, by literally taking the idea, writing it on a football, and then kicking it into the oblivion of wasted time.

Impact:

This sounds heavy. It will make a difference. Do not tread lightly, this stuff is important. After all, it has impact. A crater will form as a result of this effort, as caused by its impact. A Deep Impact – starring Tea Leoni. I agree with the Forbes author on this, actually; impact is used because people don’t know how to use affect and effect properly. Plus, it’s also melodramatic.

Giving 110%:

But captain! The reactor can’t take more! She’s giving it all she can, Captain! We’ll have to clone another reactor to give us just that extra 10%, which seems like overkill to create considering it will not be required to give us its other 90% which will strain its relations with the other reactor that is giving 100%, unless you would then expect 220% combined from both which makes you stupid and trite. Thanks Captain! You’re still an asshole, 110% of the time! I know that’s impossible but it’s true. That’s why you get 86% from me on a good day.

Take it to the Next Level:

What have you been doing to this point? Were we at Level 1, or some subterranean level which before now was not contemplated? What level did we start at? Is this a bonus level? Have we leveled off? Are we taking our relationship to the next level, which is that weird stage of post-uninterrupted infatuation sex but shit just got awkward as we have nothing to talk about phase? How can you step it up a notch?

It Is What It Is:

Literally means Fuck It. And everyone knows this - it is the purest of all corporate phrases.

- Mitt Romney hides money overseas - because that’s the Rich American Way – and which political party do rich Americans own?  Well, both – but they vote for Republicans! Because pay-to-play is the Republican Way!

- He gave shares of companies which Bain Capital acquired to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which then cashed them out for over $2M, tax free. Don’t the Mormons have enough? After all, they already own a whole state…Theocracy – that’s the Republican Way (even if those Mormons aren’t true WASPS, well, at least they’re conservative and that’s close enough)!

- Romney continues to waffle on when he will release his tax returns (stall much?), which won’t be until he’s secured the nomination (and only then can we find out how he can in no way identify with this country’s majority middle and lower class, you know - that pesky 99%). Hiding facts that show you’re not who you say you are – that’s the Republican Way!

- Romney actually lost to Rick Santorum in Iowa, but is calling it a ‘tie.’ Aren’t Republican interpretations of election results always a bag of laughs (what say you, Mr. Gore?)? I say recount! And watch when suddenly 5,000 previously uncounted votes magically appear for Romney and show he won by a landslide – or at a plurality. Because revisionism is the Republican Way!

- Rush Limbaugh says Newt Gingrich’s request to Wife #2 to have an ‘open marriage’ shows spirit (vs. just going out and cheating on her). There’s some good ol’ down home family values, yes sir, because that’s the James Dobson Republican Way!

- Rick Santorum still hates all things homosexual…Why doesn’t he just come of out of his Liberace-infused closet already? Because denial is also the Republican Way!

- Rick Perry dropped out of the race, whereas he previously thought God would anoint him as the Righteous candidate (apparently sometime after God gave up on Michelle Bachmann). Not that he’s delusional, right? Surely not! He quit, because as Sarah Palin proved – quitting is the Republican Way!

- Ron Paul is still a fringe-lunatic, hiding behind penny ideas masked in Libertarian gibberish. But bullshit sells, and no press coverage is bad coverage – because being bat shit crazy…That’s the REPUBLICAN WAY!

- Be sure to tune in for Republican Debate No. 3,763,286,401.6631 which will air probably right now.

CNN calls Todd Palin’s endorsement of Newt Gingrich BIG. What the fuck is big about it besides Gingrich’s planet-devouring maw? No one gives a peanutty shit about Gingrich or Palin. That’s today’s media  – they’ve spent so much time between Cain, Paul and Romney lately that they figure covering this nonevent means they’re giving equal time to candidates rather than admit they’ve already pitched their tent with Romney. I wonder when they’ll start covering the actual President to this degree, and if they’ll also afford him this same superficial free pass coverage they’ve given to these GOP rah-rah circle jerks.

Why aren’t the mainstream news feeders calling out the GOP candidate bullshit to a greater extent? The Romney at Bain Capital activities are political-powder keg gold. Paul’s long history of on-the-record racism hasn’t even marginalized him. Gingrich’s selling out via NAFTA coupled with his hypocrisy in both lobbying and the Clinton-Lewinski scandal should have sunk him by now. Rick Santorum is as clueless as he is evil, so the fringe loves him. Jon Huntsman is clean cut, vague, boring, and ineffectual on the national stage – he’s a rightwing zombie. While real scrutiny of everyone would be nice, some real focus should be put on the anointed one, Romney. But we know that can’t happen.

The mainstream media continues to desperately typecast Romney as the “obvious” frontrunner since it’s better for ratings to pit one person against Obama rather than report on the GOP field’s weaknesses as indicative of the entire Republican Party. This isn’t a slant or a reach - the GOP is still a playground for idiots. Don’t believe me? Let’s have a spelling bee, or better yet count teeth at rallies for each party. Network producers don’t care about the consequences of propping up (Insert GOP Candidate Here —>) Romney. If they had to, they’d push any breathing Republican as a “contender” while harboring a devil-may-care attitude about the fact that a GOP winner would run our country further into the ground. And why watch election coverage if an Obama win is a no-brainer - which it should be? The truth is the mainstream is ready to Manchurian-up any one of these remaining Republican assholes purely for ratings as needed. As of now and for the foreseeable future, Romney is that Chosen Asshole.

We’ll see if New Hampshire changes anything, but I doubt it. Considering the mainstream blew its load on Romney, the results won’t really matter; the media has a decades-long track record of successfully influencing voters to feed its self-fulfilling prophecies. Romney’s candidacy has been built up to be the most expedient route to higher ratings (ABC, NBC/MSNBC, CBS, FOX, The Washington Post, NY Times, The Denver Post, The Chicago Tribune, the LA Times, the AP, take your pick - “He’s got Buzz! So what if it’s manufactured, by us?” - DON’T LOOK AT THE MACHINE BEHIND THE CURTAIN!). Even if Romney somehow loses in New Hampshire given Huntsman’s sudden rising tide, the spin will make it sound like A) Romney still won, logic be damned or B) New Hampshire suddenly doesn’t matter - it’s not even a real state anymore. So what if the GOP remains in perpetual disarray? Romney must prevail! The mainstream has fronted too much to have it end any other way.

An Army Green Beret weapons engineer, who went to Afghanistan for his 3^rd time last year, was arrested in Texas for trying to board an airplane with explosives. The motives are unclear, but we must ask – did he snap? I doubt this was some lapse of judgment or accident – these were military grade explosives. If he did lose it, why – was he pushed too far? Will his trial get the same coverage as the shoe bomber? How fast will the rightwing media – i.e., FOX, shove this story under the rug with the guise of ‘this stuff doesn’t happen here in our country’ (or, we white people don’t do this – it’s only those Persian types! Timothy McVeigh who?)? I hope I’m wrong, I hope this was some epic blunder on his part, but I’m too cynical. We’re asking too much of our soldiers who are on their 3^rd and 4^th tours, straining them and their families to the brink. Are we breeding homegrown terrorists by pushing highly trained men and women too far in the name of service to their country? Wrecked families, PTSD coupled with anger and frustration in trying to transition back home, few job prospects in a crap so-called recovery – these add up to a recipe for disaster. UPDATE: The soldier said it was an accident, he just forgot to take the C4 out of his bag…Well, this raises a bunch of other concerns when you’re so desensitized as to forget you have unsecured C4 in your bag when getting on a civilian aircraft. Still, while this case warranted an overraction on my part, I nonetheless still believe we’re pushing our soldiers over the brink and increasing the possibility of home grown terror. And no, I don’t watch Homeland, but I hear it’s good.

What’s equally scary is the continued rising rhetoric between the USA and Iran. Come May, will it be like we never left and traded Iran for Iraq? More tales of Iran’s material support of Iraq’s insurgency attacks on US soldiers keep coming to light, along with today’s news of Iran talking tough in regards to US Navy battle groups in the Gulf. Considering these in light of Israel’s questioning of the US’s level of commitment to Tel Aviv and the Iranians nuclear weapons-grade enrichment rumors, and it’s clear we’re paving the way to our next siege. Can our military sustain another protracted conflict with a country which is supplied by the USSR, er, Russia, and China (and by extension North Korea), neither of whom is politically friendly with us? Can we as a country afford the emotional and economic strain? Think of the history dynamics – a new proxy war involving old Cold War enemies. The wild card is Israel, again, as they’ve acted unilaterally before. But this isn’t the 1970s or 1980s – if Iran has the bomb they may use it given their penchant for the psycho-dramatic. I doubt it would get that far as Israel would preemptively drop a big can of whoop ass.

But how big would that beat down be? Would Israel unleash their nuclear arsenal? And since it’s both morally and politically expedient to support our key ally in the Middle East, we will willingly be dragged into the fray. Even Saudi Arabia is goading us anew in a plain move to settle Sunni-Shiite scores. What will this do to our soldiers? How will this affect our caving relations with the destabilizing nuclear Pakistan and still tenuous Afghanistan, and how could we not look like Crusaders as we did in Iraq (especially considering the internal rioting by pro-democracy Iranians who want to reform from within, a factor that wasn’t in play in Iraq due to Saddam’s iron rule)? Any time you have several opposing nuclear powers involved, including a couple with itchy trigger fingers and axes to grind – Ahmadinejad and the Ayatollah aren’t BFFs right now, you have to wonder what the breaking point is. In the past cooler heads prevailed – but that’s only because the big boys had too much to lose in mutually assured destruction. What does Iran’s leadership have to lose? And what will we lose as a result?

——–

Great bumper sticker logic, for once:

Obama – CAUTION: I break for Republicans.

Will I vote for Obama in 2012? Yes, still holding my nose the whole way. He’s not as Republican as Romney or Gingrich, which is good enough. As Obama has said, don’t let perfect be the enemy of better – except that he’s not better, just more of the same. I piss on how the conservatives unanimously label him as the most liberal of liberals in the history of ever. Do I have buyer’s remorse? Yes. Do I hope for him to have a Balls-Out 2^nd term where he finally mans up and acts like a leader all the time versus the occasional dalliance? Sure I do – whatever, why not. Speaking of balls, in retrospect was Hillary actually the better choice in 2008? She at least has a pair. On the flipped side, the fact that Ron Paul is on a rapid rise again after the latest Gingrich poll stroking petered out shows how out of whack the GOP roller coaster is with reality. And yes, there were a lot of entendres in that last sentence – fap, fap, fap. After all, the GOP is just jerking us off – they’re only in for the Lulz and the whore money from the 1% who just keep laughing all the way to a Wall Street bank. We’re T-minus 10 months until we find out just how gullible the majority is. Prediction – Obama wins with 40% while the GOP splits between Romney and Paul. Democrats lose the Senate by 2 seats and gain in the House but still own the minority. Result –Four more years of gridlocked incompetence with the barbarians scaling the gate.

——–

Did anyone notice that Tebow, the amazing running QB for Jesus, ran for 660 yards and 6 Touchdowns this year? He also had 6 interceptions against 12 touchdowns, which when added equals 18, which when divided by the holy trinity equals 6 which is to say 6 three times. This…Means something. Mostly, it means we’re going to get our ass handed to us by the Steelers in the Divisional Round of the playoffs. We’re 8-8 riding the wave of a 3 game losing streak and fell into the playoffs by the sheer atrociousness of the AFC West. And it also means Bill Maher’s tweet about Satan telling Hitler how the Bills kicked our ass last week is still funny, as Satan will probably push Ben ‘Date Rape’ Roethlisberger to victory while Jesus is busy watching the History Channel’s 2012 Mayan Apocalypse lineup. He finds that shit fascinating.

The other day my wife was in line at Target picking up some odds and ends. She was also wearing a Pearl Jam t-shirt. The clerk at the checkout line asked ‘are they a band?’ My lovely wife didn’t know what to say at first, being that Pearl Jam is pretty well known, right? But then again maybe they’re not anymore, or as much, or at all among the late teen demographic? So she told him yes it’s a band, from the Grunge era of Seattle rock. Saying this aloud somehow just made the old settle further in. I told her not to fret too much, all things pass – the Beatles were considered classic rock when we were wee little kids in the 80s, barely 20 years removed from the British Invasion (and we are now 20 years beyond the release of ‘Ten’). This didn’t really help. She’s not one who is fearful of age, but somehow this struck a chord in her. So the best thing I could come up with was to say she should feel good because this young man was looking attentively at her chest. “Well, there is that,” she said.

I’ve tried to keep up with the OWS news (our ports!), but have to say I think it’s turning into less a movement and more a sit-there occupation. I’m all for the notion of “don’t just do something, sit there” and all but there are so many muddled messages that the whole thing is becoming a caricature of itself. I’ve railed against the peripheral becoming pervasive, i.e., ‘give peace a chance,’ and ‘legalize it, man!’, but now the movement is in danger of also becoming tragically hip. Some people just go to be seen there so that they can say 20 years from now “I was part of something” without contributing anything. Locally, the movement is small and dedicated, even if we don’t see eye-to-eye, but we’re a microcosm. We did a local Occupy the Shops (Shoppes) at Briargate over the Thanksgiving weekend, and I actually enjoyed being yelled at by the upper crust of town – mostly because, just like in the more comfortable progressive areas of Colorado Springs – we ended up getting more support than expected. Sure, there were the standard ‘Get a Job’ yells (on a Saturday) and several one-finger salutes, mostly from angry young white men/NASCAR fans with no teeth, but also many waves and honks and smiles. This was good – I grew up 3 miles from those Shops, in a middle class neighborhood we moved into nearly 27 years ago, when it was arguably even more conservative than now. So seeing people show support in the reddest of red areas in the country (you don’t get much more conservative than 80920) showed me that people still believe in what the OWS movement is about. I just hope it doesn’t become a victim of itself.

On the other hand, I still hope FOX News will eat itself in some sort of post-apocalyptic, zombie-fueled political cannibalism – Geraldo Rivera can host, before being eaten alive by Ann Coulter (which is probably one of her fetishes, actually – then she would be eaten by the next twit and so forth, ultimately forcing the lone remaining remote camera to pan out and show the entire giant cannibal conservative human centipede as completely eating itself). Who would win, Hannity or O’Reilly? The answer is America.

The Republican-of-the-week (weak?) has re-outlined where he stands in screwing US in America. Newt Gingrich’s economic plan is simple – give the rich tax breaks via a regressive flat tax (coupled with low corporate taxes and no taxes on capital gains - the largest source of income for high earners). He also believes the Federal Reserve should only focus on curbing inflation alone, instead of job creation. He would also try to repeal Dodd-Frank, and Obama’s Health Care overhaul.

This is consistent, good old fashioned backwater GOP gibberish. The rich need more money, per Gingrich. The fact that the top 1% - the wealthiest - controls nearly 50% of our total wealth and would see their taxes go from 35% to 15% doesn’t matter. The fact that we’re already running record deficits, but would cut corporate and high earner taxes and have less revenue for necessary entitlement programs also doesn’t matter. The fact that unemployment is still around 9% while business profits are above pre-recession levels also doesn’t matter. The fact that companies continue to outsource for cheaper labor, something near and dear to Gingrich who led Congress in the passing of NAFTA, also doesn’t matter. The fact that the Fed’s quantitative easing helped slow down (not solve) the Great Recession doesn’t matter, nor does the fact he was against Obama’s recent jobs-infrastructure bill, which the GOP killed. The fact that Wall Street was allowed to bet against itself in inflating mortgage values and then insuring against inevitable defaults and collapsing our economy in the process without regulatory controls? Nope, doesn’t matter.  The fact that kids can get treatment despite having pre-existing conditions doesn’t matter, either – at least to Newt Gingrich. It’s clear that America really doesn’t matter to Newt Gingrich.

What matters to him, and to all Republicans, is keeping the rich happy and the middle class powerless. Gingrich benefitted a plenty as a lobbyist and advisor to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac to the tune of $1.6M during the bubble times – those same housing programs he now denounces. He also had several marital affairs (and a couple nasty divorces) which doesn’t add up considering his attacks on President Bill Clinton’s private life. He also was under investigation for tax fraud by the house when he resigned from Congress and the Speakership. He also believes the Founding Fathers wanted to put religion deeply into politics. He also on one hand said he doesn’t believe in ‘social engineering’ by the Right Wing in regard to cutting back Medicaid via a voucher system, and then flipped when he was criticized by Fatty Limbaugh. If we used the GOP back-to-the future talking point machine, he’d be called a ‘flip flopper.’

I’ll call him as I see him – Gingrich is dog shit. Romney is dog shit – they all are. They are greedy little pigs with no leadership ability, no vision, no understanding of complex concepts in finance or security, and who each possess the selflessness of an angry two-year-old with the education to match. Their faux debates have only exposed how deeply ignorant they are, and how their plans hold no wisdom. Compared to them, President Obama is not only still the smartest man in the room but also should be a step closer to Sainthood – and this coming from a guy who’s had many an issue with his on again, off again backbone. We’re leaving Iraq, and worried about Iran – and he is handling both situations as an adult should do – in moderation. If the last two elections were actual “electoral referendums,” then the 2012 election is a goddamned reckoning. Don’t let the stupid prevail.

Speaking of stupid, the Broncos continue winning at the last possible minute and have amazingly entered the top spot in the AFC West with 3 weeks to go. Some are saying it’s a miracle, that being 7-1 under the TEBOW is a sign of the divine – that God loves the Broncos more than other teams. Whatever – I don’t care what the reasons are. 8 weeks ago we were wondering what we had to do to secure the #1 pick in next year’s draft. Now we’re talking playoffs – PLAYOFFS!?! – Without batting an eye. In Timmy people trust. Whatever the reason, we’re winning - and it’s been both painful and exciting to watch. Tebow is like magical like a unicorn that poops rainbows. Think about it.

The Rockies are nothing if not predictable in the offseason – dump salaries, and go trade for “potential” as other teams actually spend money on proven talent. Hey, building from within is nice and all and we did shell out cash to Tulo and CarGo last year, but I’m not sure if dumping Jimenez, Iannetta, Street, Wigginton and Stewart for a return of unproven pitchers and a couple minor leaguers is a recipe for long-term success. I like the signing of C Ramon Hernandez – I just don’t like his 36-year-old knees. Tyler Chatwood and Kevin Slowey don’t make me want to buy season tickets. I still like the Jimenez trade itself, but not in conjunction with the rest of these moves which don’t make much sense when looking at the whole of the remaining team. Are we rebuilding yet again? We still don’t know who will play 2B or 3B, although Eric Young Jr. and Jordan Pacheo could step up – and maybe the newly acquired reclamation project that is Tyler Colvin can supplant Seth Smith in RF and give us a right handed bat? But is GM Dan O’Dowd really betting on 37-year-old Rafael Betancourt to be the closer after trading Huston Street, who despite a 3.86 ERA was still 29 or 33 in save opportunities? Street always made things interesting in the 9^th, but for the most part he was effective.

Who knows – maybe Helton’s back will actually hold up and the hodgepodge of young arms – Chacin, Pomeranz, White, Nicasio, Rogers, and Chatwood plus Hammel and Slowey could hang in a weak NL West (weak because I still don’t believe the D’Backs are for real). Did I think we’d go after Prince Fielder, Jose Reyes or Albert Pujols? Never, but maybe going after CJ Wilson would’ve helped considering Jorge De La Rosa will be trying to return from Tommy John surgery. We don’t have one pitcher on the active roster who’s won more than 11 games in a year.

I’d pay attention to the Nuggets, but how? Half of our team is playing in other countries and Nene may soon sign elsewhere. George Karl will have his hands full of empty– I hope Ty Lawson and the aged Andre Miller can also learn to play forward. At least we still have the Bird Man, Chris Mr. Andersen. His hair + beard + tattoos are legendary. Timofey Mozgov and Kosta Koufos are both very tall and I think that helps. Otherwise, they’ve been as active in free agency as the Rockies. Lastly, the Avalanche are in last place 30 games into the season, which makes sense. Oh how I miss Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, and Patrick Roy.

I needed me some music this morning. At the office, I often don’t play music – or only listen to just a couple tracks. I can’t listen to music as just background noise – I need to listen and not be interrupted, which is tough to do. Still, I gave it a go today. Here’s what my iPod kicked out this morning on random – how’s this for an eclectic mix (or, would this be the work of the worst DJ ever)?

-          Rotten Apple, Alice in Chains

-          Shock & Terror, CKY

-          Holiday in Cambodia, Dead Kennedys

-          Head On, Jesus & Mary Chain

-          Eye in the Sky, The Alan Parsons Project

-          Sympathy for the Devil, The Rolling Stones

-          Carry On, Crosby Stills & Nash

-          Fast Car, Tracy Chapman

-          Don’t Stand So Close to Me, The Police

-          In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel

-          Prison Sex, Tool

-          Little Light of Love, RXRA (Fifth Element Soundtrack)

-          Beds are Burning, Midnight Oil

-          Why Go, Pearl Jam

-          Crazy, Seal

-          Takin’ a Ride, Don Felder (Heavy Metal orig. Soundtrack)

-          Low (feat. T-Pain), Flo Rida’

-          My Friends, Red Hot Chili Peppers

-          Keep a Lid on Things, Crash Test Dummies

-          Suck, Pigface

-          Rain When I Die, Alice in Chains

-          Born Slippy, Underworld

-          Pogo the Clown, Dog Fashion Disco

-          Light (Cellulite Radio Dub), KMFDM

-          Mountain Song, Jane’s Addiction

I haven’t kept up with politics on my own lately. I’ve been lazily relying on our friend at Under the Mountain Bunker and catching the occasional AP feed. I’m trying to catch-up on my backlog of TIME Magazines and funny Tumblr posts. The GOP field is still dumb, and the OWS movement is still both inspiring and confusing all at once, and cats continue their internet dominance. All of my efforts to stay informed are failing due to one thing over the last few weeks - Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. I allowed myself to get sucked in and boy is this game addictive. Yes, I played Oblivion nearly 3 complete times, but at least I could turn it off and get back into the warm sun every now and then. Sometimes out of glitch frustration, sometimes because I could no longer go without showering for fear of perma-stench setting in. Still, when you master a game as I did with Oblivion, I could set the PS3 controller down and pick it back up a week later and still not miss a beat. After the first exploratory trial and error-prone time through Oblivion, guidebook and all, due to my competitive nature I had to go through again and see if I could do things better and more efficiently. And I did – and it took 324 hours, 22 more than the 1^st time through. With Skyrim, I have worries about the level of dedication I will submit to.

Other sandbox titles, while fun, didn’t seem to quite draw me so completely in as the two Elder Scrolls games have. I enjoyed GTA-Vice City, which was a nice little violence-fest with a great soundtrack. The Rock Star Developers do good stuff – I played the living hell out of GTA-San Andreas. I think that’s the best GTA game to date – it provided the requisite ultra-violence with another amazing soundtrack, a great storyline, and expanded the sandbox 10-fold over anything I’d previously played. Most importantly, it drove me to keep playing to see what else could happen. On the other hand I had to push myself through GTA-Liberty City. The storyline was ok, the graphics amazing, but the setting was just too glum while the soundtrack (other than Iggy Pop’s radio station) was, well, meh. Compared to the openness of San Andreas, the game felt trapped – which was part of fitting the Big City theme and feel, I guess. While I was initially enthralled by Red Dead Redemption (mostly due to my personal association between it and my fetish for HBO’s ‘Deadwood’ series – I like the dirty Old West), it ran out of steam. Outstanding storyline, bad ending, but about halfway through the tasks felt massively repetitive. Nonetheless, the unbelievable scenery and soundtrack kept my interest long enough to wrap it up.

Skyrim is a wholly different animal. I thought Red Dead Redemption was the peak of eye candy for scenery – right up until I got an hour or so into Skyrim. The clouds, the water, the rocks, the snow, the trees, the weathered boards, everything – it’s almost difficult to move as you want to look around to see how the light and shadows change with every footstep. It reminds me of those many trips I’ve taken to places like Steamboat Springs, and Crested Butte, Rocky Mountain National Park - all those many drives carving through the mountain highways and back roads of the Colorado Rockies. It’s remarkable to digest, and the storyline far eclipses Oblivion already (and I’m only 27 hours in). Yes, the sandbox aspects have to be carefully watched so as not to lose track of the multitude of activities – so far as my OCD allows. I try to divvy up by tasks by city and town before moving too far on – and unlike Oblivion, Skyrim’s map actually shows the areas you’ve cleared. This isn’t a game so much as an experience, which is scary given the fact Bethesda Games already created such a deep mythos around the Elder Scrolls history (cultures, eras, traditions) even prior to this game. The soundtrack is better than Oblivion, a sublime mix of calm and chaotic to match the tundra and the activity accordingly. So far, the glitch clipping and freezing – which were so frustrating, if only sporadic, as to blemish what was close to a masterpiece in Oblivion – have so far been pleasantly absent. There have been a few timing issues, and one freeze, but no loading problems so far. Given the magnitude of the multiple elements at play here, I can’t complain about what was a Herculean effort by the game’s developers. I just hope that I don’t get to the point where my wife, who also loves the game (and relies heavily on her Kindle as her boredom backup), doesn’t need to push an ultimatum that either I shower or the couch gets burned in an exorcism.

Somehow I managed to also catch some football this last holiday weekend. As you’ve surmised, my eyes need a rest. I watched as Timmy THE Tebow led the Broncos to yet another improbable victory on the road against the Chargers, who’ve used us as a whipping post for the last 5 years. Sure, Timmy ran a lot (the most times of any QB since 1950), but he also looked better again as a passer and would’ve finished stronger than 9 of 18 had 3 passes not been dropped. But more than anything it’s our defense which has carried the Donkeys to 5 wins in their last 6 games. Elvis Dumervil has all of his 5.5 sacks this season in the last 4 games, and other than against the Chargers, the run D has turned stout. They held Philip Rivers to 188 yards passing on 19/36 attempts-completions. Not too shabby. People are actually talking playoffs and mean it. Seriously. I thought we’d max at 6 wins, not be 6-5 with 5 games to go in an anemic AFC West. It’s funny how the Chargers have finally been exposed as fakes after years of pretending. With KC’s collapse – how safe is Todd Haley as coach? The NFL axe is already falling with Jack Del Rio in Jacksonville getting dropped today. Will the Ex-Patriots KC brain trust hire Josh McDaniels away from St. Louis and hand him the reigns, if those reigns are tightened more than they were in Denver? Meanwhile in Denver, there’s talk that if the Broncos continue their option-run success that John Fox will be in serious contention for NFL Coach of the Year. What a difference a few weeks makes.

Things to contemplate – at what point in my iPod play list above did I start laughing? Will the Donkeys make a run at the Wild Card, or at the Raiders for the AFC West title itself? Will the Rockies do something worthwhile in free agency this offseason? Will I be able to limit my Skyrim hours as I get further into it without succumbing to full-fledged D&D nerd-dom?