The Republican blitzkrieg on women is horrifying – it’s like witnessing a march straight back to the Dark Ages. First, it was mandatory internal ultrasounds and shaming for women considering abortions – more commonly known as RAPE. Then it was an attack on women seeking coverage for contraception from insurance carriers (which is surprisingly not standard). Now it’s devolved into an all out assault on personal morality – not only did Rush Limbaugh call Susan Fluke a slut who should have to pay for contraception by making pay-per-view sex tapes (when Limbaugh, as Rachel Maddow points out, doesn’t understand contraception), but now the latest “personhood” amendments are popping back up in even crazier extremes. Today, the City Council of Wilmington, DE, voted 8-4 in favor of saying personhood extends to an egg and sperm, the latter only to be allowed to be “utilized” in the specific cause of generating life in a woman’s vagina!
So what happens if an egg goes unfertilized? What happens if a man masturbates – will he be arrested? What if a man is shooting blanks? Should he be castrated? And if a woman cannot produce eggs – should we get her to the nunnery or sell her for Soylent Green production? What of all those other sperm which don’t break the egg’s membrane in the race to fertilize – are they not victims, left behind to die?
I don’t even know what to say except fuck it, I guess I’ll have to curtail that trip to exciting Delaware. By their estimates, I’m a mass murderer the likes of which not even God has seen. I mean, I’ve destroyed entire populations, whole galaxies – entire cultures, all in a series of master strokes! One step into Wilmington, and now I’ll be off to The Hague, or some Conservative version somewhere deep in South Carolina. They’ll say I put Stalin, Mao and Hitler multipled by 10 to shame. Can you imagine that trial’s verdict?
“You, Operative X, are before this court because of crimes against humanity. You have been found guilty! So many sperm wantonly wasted. Have you no remorse? You are an evil of the lowest order and shall be executed by having to watch the 2012 GOP Debates on repeat until your life ceases! NO YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO MASTURBATE WHENEVER A REPUBLICAN LIES, there would be wasted sperm everyehere, you evil bastard! Yes, yes, we know that by killing you that we are destroying a factory of procreation, but we are Pro-Life and Pro-Death penalty, so this makes sense to us. But think of all the lives we’ll have saved from ever being produced by you, for you to only send to their untimely deaths.”
Of course, my misogynist defense, based entirely on self-preservation, would have me beg for forgiveness and attempt to undue my transgressions.
“Let no sperm go to waste! I too disdain every bone in a woman’s body except for my own! For yes, I have seen the light, repented my ways, and have accepted that I am a factory of life! Sentence me to procreation! Bring me women, truckloads of the attractive and semi-attractive ones for me to satiate my legal and moral duty! So what if our planet is vastly overpopulated, for I cannot simply stop ejaculating, as you know this would be against the will of nature itself and GOD’s – GOD’S! – Absolute Law! Let lesser men take vows of celibacy, for I will prove my fortitude and sew my loins into the lineage of a million decedents as a modern Adam for a New Inbred Age – it will be called New West Virginia! To hell with geneticists and the problems with common ancestor theory and the ultimate genetic mutations which will be triggered by my host of legion children who must follow in my stead! FOR I AM ORDAINED TO BE PRODIGIOUS, MEIN FUHRER!!!!”
(Whoa, sorry about that, went all Dr. Strangelove for a moment).
For we must remember what Monty Python taught us…”Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great…If a sperm is wasted…God gets quite irate.” And here I was thinking Republicans wanted a small government which would keep out of our lives.
Bunch of jerk offs.