Dear online Diary, we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’ve had my reasons. Being busy at work and as a new father has eaten my schedule up. I know, excuses, excuses and I’m sorry. So, since it was a “dark and stormy night” again last night, I figure that’s as good a reason as any for us to reconnect since it provides a really cheesy writing convention cliché intro.
I just read a story about an unidentified woman who dove into rising waters to help 8 trapped motorists from being stranded in their cars as flood waters rose. These stranded dopes were apparently either oblivious to the raging storm around them or simply held a fuck all attitude, or perhaps prioritized their need for Wendy’s and Cold Stone slightly above that of their need to live. The National Weather Service and news crews had been advertising for several hours (as they had the night before, too) to not go outside and tempt fate by facing golf ball-sized hail stones and the imminent, totally expected flash flood waters of freezing death. This was one of those rare and certain storms where the weather reporters could actually say “we’re not kidding” with a straight face.
This hero woman – clad in bright orange rain poncho and a gay-as-Ricky-Martin flaming bicycle helmet – dove into waist-high cold rushing waters multiple times to get idiots out of their cars and deliver them unto higher ground. As much as I question her attire – not everyone has their Superman Suit handy at all times (let’s be real, the spandex doesn’t breathe well) – what she did is considerably badass. Even more so, when the news cameras arrived she refused to allow herself to be identified. Here’s some random selfless woman with zero fashion awareness putting herself into the jaws of danger to help completely oblivious strangers who themselves were perhaps on their way to a Darwin Award honorable mention. She didn’t want glory; she just did what was right – what you’d hope you would do if faced with the same scenario. When asked why she did it, she said she hoped it would inspire others to rise to the occasion when needed.
Here I am, feeling pretty good after reading this story. And then I made the mistake of scrolling down to the comment section.
There it was – internet rule #147: If something good happens, someone must give thanks to God and/or recognize that whatever said action was somehow God-inspired. A sample:
“Thank God for people like her.”
“People like her make me believe in angels.”
“True definition of humility. God bless this woman.” (This person believes in God but not complete sentences.)
How come these pompous piety douches aren’t calling out God for falling off the wagon yet again by going on one of His Old Testament mini-Flood benders? Why does He get a free pass? I call bullshit on that. Bullshit, Bullshit…Bullshit.
Someone needs to get this guy into Biblical AA– God needs to admit He has a problem and that there’s a Higher Power, or something. A couple anger management classes wouldn’t hurt, either. Heavy is the crown of absolute power, right, so He occasionally gets to blow off steam by unleashing nature’s fury for shits and giggles? What the fucking fuck? Hey, if we can’t sin and inflict harm on people or property and get a free pass, then neither should He. It’s about accountability there, God – find some. Take responsibility for your actions, and maybe divine up some petty cash to pay for all those car, window and roof repairs. We all know it’ll be out of pocket for Him – it’s doubtful He carries a homeowners’ insurance policy or property insurance let alone an umbrella policy. To be fair I imagine His premiums would be pretty high (but he should get several million multi-line discounts), but his nonprofit slush fund should help cover a piece of the tab.
Of course he may not feel the need to carry a policy because He’s “so above it” up in His Ivory Tower in Heaven – being omnipotent and all means He’s not exactly the most practical, down-to-Earth deity. And who knows what His credit score is if He actually needs to take out an emergency loan; we all know his Big Money player, the Vatican, is having cash flow issues, what with that glut of defense attorney fees stemming from those pesky criminal trials regarding 1,000+ years of indoctrinated child raping. What would He use as collateral then – Saint Peter? What bank would want his wrinkly old man smelly balls hanging about, because you know ol’ Pete goes Commando under that loin cloth and hasn’t bathed in damn near 1,950 years. I just figure with the amount of real estate God claims to have built and apparently owns – especially around here in Colorado Springs – He’d think about the long term protection of his investments.
Instead, He’s been whipping up these storms like Charlie Sheen snorts blow off a hooker’s butt cheeks – i.e., frequently. So I have an idea. I believe God needs a reality check from someone who understands Him and who’s been down this kind of destructive path…Someone like Ted Haggard, who also sells insurance, too. That’s two birds with one stone, folks!
So there, all of you nervous Christians who attribute everything good but nothing bad to God in suffering from a crippling cognitive dissonance: Be it known now and forever that I am a Solutions Thinker of the Lord! I am here for you. Thank the Almighty God for this, and someone bring me the Flaming Bicycle Helmet of Heroes! Forsooth – FORSOOTH I SAY! – I may one day save your life from the megalomaniacal, random weather musings of a wrathful God while harnessing this mystical headgear as you near a drowning death.
Therefore you should pray for me, RIGHT NOW – and the best prayers are made with cash money donations to www.ihatepeacocks.com . Do this, or tempt massive suffering wrought by our angry God’s Vengeance! Operators might be standing by. You’d best pray that they are. Pray to us with your money in the next 15 minutes, and we may throw in a Flaming Bicycle Helmet of Heroes mostly- Authentic Replica and Gift Tote Bag made up of leftovers from Heaven’s last garage sale (for just 3 easy payments of $999.99). And then thank God hard for this bounty.